Lori Culwell

Saturday Night Live "Top of the Pops": Name That Musician!

Lori Culwell — Sun, 19 May 2013 15:33:33 +0000

So, you probably know that this years' Saturday Night Live finale was the last show for Fred Armisen and Bill Hader. Seth Meyers is supposed to be doing half of next season, then replacing Jimmy Fallon when he moves to the Tonight Show.

Here is the song that Armisen and friends peformed for this send-off:

In case you're curious, here are the musicians on stage with Armisen, in order of appearance. In typical music nerd style, we have identified the musicians, their respective bands, and the guitars they are playing.

-- On stage in the beginning: Fred Armisen as lead singer/ guitarist (we thought this might have been a Silvertone he was playing, but now we think it's a custom guitar). Jason Sudekis on drums, Bill Hader is on Fender P-bass, and Taran Killen on a Gibson Batwing.

-- At the 1:49 mark, Armisen says "I've got some friends of mine," and then Carrie Brownstein and Steve Jones come in. In case you don't know, Carrie Brownstein is Fred Armisen's best friend, former member of Sleater Kinney (of course) and his co-star in Portlandia, and Steve Jones is famous for being in the Sex Pistols and for generally being a character. Steve Jones is playing a Gibson Les Paul, and Brownstein is playing a Gibson Batwing. The next wave of people to come in are J Mascis (from Dinosaur Jr), who is playing his signature Jazzmaster, plus Kim Gordon (from Sonic Youth) on tamborine (and rocking the gold lame), Aimee Mann on a Gibson Acoustic Hummingbird, and a guy we haven't yet been able to place who stands in back of Bill Hader the whole time. Bonus points if you can tell us his name.

The other noteworthy event in this song is at the 2:41 mark, where someone obviously steps on the fuzz face and you really start to hear J Mascis' awesome guitar solo on that Jazzmaster.

Oh, did you not think I would soak up some guitar knowledge after 15 years being married to a musician? That's where you're wrong. I am also currently a little obsessed with this music blog and the show on Sirius XM that goes with it. You go, Aquarium Drunkard!

Are Those People in the Discover Card Commercial the Same Actor? (Part 2)

Lori Culwell — Sun, 19 May 2013 14:15:23 +0000

BY LORI CULWELL

OK, this is a follow-up post to this first post in March where I was wondering about this weird Discover "It" Card commercial, where they are suggesting that they treat you like you would treat you. I have now watched the whole series and have concluded (as much as this is possible) that the actors are DIFFERENT PEOPLE in each commercial-- one playing the cardholder, and one playing a customer service rep that looks enough like the cardholder.

Here is the version of this commercial series that convinced me.

These two old white guys are definitely NOT the same person.
I still think this series is totally confusing and takes away from the overall message of the Discover Card brand and this new service they're rolling out. But, and I don't know if this is in response to people talking about how confusing the series was-- it does seem like they are now trying to make the actors look different. Here's an example of a commercial in this series where you can clearly tell that these actors are not the same person: When I told Stephan about this further development in the case of the commercial series, he said: "So, now they're deliberately confusing you to try to get you to use a product that you don't want and no one accepts. Great!" Also-- who is the Agency of Record for this series? I am going to the Effie Awards this week. Maybe they will be there and I can ask them!

Photo Funny for Your Saturday

Lori Culwell — Sun, 19 May 2013 02:53:20 +0000

First off, thank you to several friendly people who informed me that "Beets and Horseradish" is like, a totally commonplace thing in Jewish households. Ok then! I can be taught. I might even try it and make a YouTube video about it. You never know!

It's the weekend, so I'm cleaning and getting organized. Part of that routine now involves backing up all the photos in my phone and all the notes I've made that week in my notebook by using the Doxie Go scanner and Dropbox.

First up: here's a guy wearing a fringety fringe fringey jacket when it's 78 degrees in New York City. This is one of the reasons I love New York, man-- if you're just a dude, and you super love your black fringe jacket and you want to come here and wear it-- GO AHEAD, MAN. That's what we're all about here-- accepting you no matter how you want to look. In fact, I saw a guy walking down the street the other day with a cat on his head, and (here's what I love about New Yorkers)-- no one was even looking at him. You're going to have to get up pretty early in the morning to turn heads in New York, my friends. Actually, I'm not saying the black suede fringe guy was trying to turn heads. I'm saying-- that jacket/ hat combo is his THING, and he wants to just wear it and for people not to give him a hard time about it because it's black and it's probably too hot for that jacket, or because the jacket has shoulder pads. WEAR THAT JACKET, BRO. This is New York City.

Here is a photo I took in a bodega, then texted to Stephan with the caption "Settle down with all the value adds," to which he texted back "All I want is a f%^ing cookie."

Here is a truck we saw while out walking. I feel like this, right here, is what is wrong with most websites-- we call this the "burden of too much choice," or, as Stephan put it when we stopped to take the photo: JESUS CHRIST, I DON'T KNOW MY OWN NAME ANYMORE."

In closing, here is a skunk with full-on rabies. If you see a skunk like this, can I recommend that you not get this close? Good thing I have a client who specializes in wildlife removal. If you want to see how f-ed up this skunk was, I also have video.

Horseradish and Beets. You know, the usual.

Lori Culwell — Fri, 17 May 2013 15:57:29 +0000

I just noticed I have two photos in my phone that are related to horseradish, and I thought this was unusual enough to warrant a post. I feel like horseradish is one of those things that you either totally love (like I do) or you totally hate (like Stephan does).

Here is a billboard touting the "Power of Horseradish." Honestly, I don't know that horseradish needs a billboard. It's hot and you either love it or hate it, and I don't think a billboard is going to change your opinion of whether you like that feeling of hotness shooting up your nose. Also, this billboard is too far away for me to actually see what brand is being advertised, rendering it pretty much useless, don't you think? For educational purposes, I did some research and concluded that this ad is for Gold's Horseradish, though honestly, I didn't even know there were different companies for that sort of thing.

Several days later, I was in the grocery store when I saw this gem of a product, which apparently is made by the same company. How much are their advertising and development budgets?

Yes, you're reading that right. Horseradish and beets. I texted this photo to Stephan as a joke, because these are two things that he hates equally, and frankly, this is the product you would give him if you didn't like him.

Who eats horseradish and beets together? Is this a thing I just don't know about? Horseradish is good on a roast beef sandiwich or in wasabi, but I just don't think I can get behind the use of beets, which are gross no matter how you slice them. Sorry! It is so nice that the horseradish beets are made "Real Home Style" and that they have no additives and nothing artificial. I suppose if you like the taste of beets and horseradish together, this would be a tasty treat for you!

What are you making of this? Are "beets and horseradish" a thing that you eat and love? Someone give me some insight, please.

Amy’s Baking Company: Just, WOW.

Lori Culwell — Thu, 16 May 2013 11:37:00 +0000

So, I don't know if you're following this story about the season finale of Kitchen Nightmares, where this pair of completely crazy restaurant owners go down in history as out Gordon Ramsey-ing Gordon Ramsey himself, but if you haven't, can I highly recommend that you go over and read the Daily Beast writeup and watch the episode, which is actually embedded in the post?

Go ahead. I'll wait.

So, now there's a big scandal because everyone is supposedly bullying them on Yelp, and they claim their Facebook and website have been hacked when they clearly keep losing their sh%t and posting and then regretting it, and they claim that the FBI is involved, and the whole thing is just one big slow-motion train wreck and I can't look away.

Here's the main question I have: WHY DID THEY AGREE TO BE ON THE SHOW? This is the question I have whenever someone goes on Shark Tank with zero sales: do you not watch this show? Do you not recognize that yes, Gordon Ramsey is going to pick on you, and if you are that defensive when someone complains about your food, why on earth would you agree to be on a show like "Kitchen Nightmares"? The only possible explanation for this is that they thought it would just be great publicity, they are deluded enough to think they had nothing to hide, and they figured that their loyal client base (which they do not have) would come to their defense.

So, basically, this delusional attitude, combined with the power of social media, Yelp, and Reddit, is going to make this business sink like the Titanic. I can kind of feel the schadenfraude coming from the 50 former employees fired in the past 6 months (!) and the current wait staff (if there are any of them left). How stupid do you have to be to not only talk back to Gordon Ramsey, but also to ADMIT that you keep all of your waitstaff's tips and defend your bad cooking?

I posted about this on Facebook, and one of my friends commented "They are so Scottsdale." If that is true, I feel a "Real Housewives of Scottsdale" franchise coming on with this woman as the star, because they are NUCKING FUTS, dude. My prediction? They are not just going out of business. They have apparently incurred so much karmic wrath, I would not be surprised if we hear about them getting into legal trouble after their business shuts down.

How to Market a Book, v 2.0 is Here!

Lori Culwell — Wed, 15 May 2013 23:14:56 +0000

As you can see from the title, this post is going to be about a book I co-wrote, so if you're only here for the funny food photos, maybe scroll back a couple of days.

Here's the deal: last year, awesome Booktrope CMO Katherine Sears and I wrote a book on book marketing called "How to Market a Book." I know, that sentence sounded like one that would be written by a person who was trying to keyword stuff their website, which I am actually not trying to do-- that is a real description!

What's funny is that we worked for almost a year on the first version, and in the year since it came out, so much changed, we ended up changing, adding, and updating a bunch of stuff, so it's like a whole new book! If you bought it before, do not worry-- you will be able to download the update for free, no problem. If you haven't bought it yet, now is a great time, as all the info is fresh and piping hot, and I know you keep meaning to get started with your marketing.

How do I know this? Because I get emails almost every day from people, asking "Where should I start with my marketing?" and when I answer them, they usually either swear or cry. This book is a concerted effort to head off that crying at the pass, to get you working on (and comfortable with) your marketing as a part of your everyday business life as an author. You can do it, and this book will help you!

This year's version has much more on Pinterest, Wordpress updates, and an updated list of ancillary social media in which you might want to participate. It's definitely a good deal, and this is where we send everyone who has just self-published a book (or gotten a book deal) and needs to start marketing.

Also, I will take this self-promotional post opportunity to plug BookPromotion.com, where my awesome contributors are covering many great topics. You are sure to get something useful out of each and every article over there!

Who is Bob Benson? The Mystery of Mad Men

Lori Culwell — Tue, 14 May 2013 23:27:01 +0000

I'm sure you're watching Mad Men and you're all caught up on what happened on Sunday night, but just in case you're not, I'm going to just avoid major plot points and talk only about this one character that Stephan and I have been wondering about all season: Bob Benson.

WHO. IS. BOB. BENSON? It is driving me nuts, honestly. Why is he so perky? What is he doing there? Why won't Matthew Weiner give us any clues?

We have been entertaining several theories, which I will list for you here, probably not in the order we thought of them or how likely they probably are. I like my "Show Cancer" theory the best currently.

1. Bob Benson, chipper and perky new addition to the team and bringer of spare coffees, is actually a spy. Seriously, maybe he's working for the CIA. He's hiding in plain site. He's reporting the actions of the agency, and eventually we will find out that the government has been building a case against them for several years, probably because of something Don said to someone during a meeting, or because they know about the fact that Don is a deserter and they suspect him of being anti-USA (that information was NOT A SPOILER since it's been several seasons and we know this about him, right?).

2. No? OK, let's try the other angle. Bob Benson is a spy for Russia. The Russians want to know what is going on in US advertising, so they trained a Russian guy named Boris Blekovsky who happened to do a really good American accent.

3. Not feeling that one either? OK, fine-- what about this one? Bob Benson is the beginning of the end. We all know Mad Men has probably one season left, so I think Matthew Weiner has installed Bob Benson as the show's resident good-looking Grim Reaper. No one knows what he's doing there, only one person (Ken Cosgrove) has made reference to even knowing him, and everything action he takes is to ingratiate himself to one of the partners (last week this person was Joan). Does he like Joan? Maybe, and maybe his being a love interest for her will be a plot point, but maybe, JUST MAYBE Bob Benson is a mole for another agency, and he's going to steal all of their secrets and put them out of business, and that will be the end of the show, and he will have been hiding in plain site this whole time, like the neighbor you thought was normal but then turned out to be a serial killer. Know what I'm saying? He is show cancer, and he will eat away at the show through another season, until the series finale, where all will be revealed.

4. Bob Benson is a completely random character with little to no meaning. He's a red herring. Matthew Weiner wants us to THINK Bob Benson symbolizes something, but really he's just an awesome guy with a spare cup of coffee, and why are we so cynical?

Do you find any of these theories plausible? Do you think I'm overthinking this? TELL ME YOUR BOB BENSON THEORIES!

It’s Not Just a Can of Meat, OK?

Lori Culwell — Mon, 13 May 2013 14:16:43 +0000

I kind of appreciate the simplicity of this old-school packaging from Del Monte, though I feel like someone should have pointed out that the font size and style really makes the word "MEAT" pop, so much so that it looks like this is just a can of meat.

I'm not really much of a canned food eater (too much sodium and other stuff I don't really like eating), but whenever I see "meat in a can" products like this, it gets me sincerely wondering-- what do they have to do to meat products to can them and make them shelf-worthy? I would imagine the process has to do with many preservatives, but it always seems strangely acontextual to me to have something that should be perishable (like meat or chicken) just sitting there in a can on a shelf, frozen in time, and that you can pop it open and eat it. How old is that meat? Scientists had to use powerful chemicals to essentially stop the natural process of decay, and that can't be good for your body, right?

That makes me start wondering-- how many tries did it take before they got this process right? That is to say, did they measure decomposition and bacteria levels of meat in a lab, or did they have test-eaters who were just willing to eat old meat in order to get to the perfect preservative combination? Everything about this is gross to me.

Also, I find it rather hilarious that a can of preserved meat and tomatoes would have a tout on the bottom that says "Natural Source of Antioxidants and Vitamins A and C." If it's vitamins A & C you're after, might I suggest a carrot and an orange rather than a can of preserved meat?

Mother’s Day: Not So Much

Lori Culwell — Sun, 12 May 2013 19:25:00 +0000

I'm sure you know this about me by now, but if you don't, let me enlighten you: my mother is deceased and I am not a mother myself, so Mother's Day is my equivalent of "Black Monday" in that it never fails to get me all depressed and contemplative about how totally unfair it is that my mom passed away when she was so young, and how stupid it is that I can't buy her flowers right now, and then I start feeling sorry for myself, and then I cry, and this happens EVERY SINGLE YEAR. I know, I should try to be a mature person and celebrate other mothers, especially those friends who have struggled to become mothers and have finally succeeded, but honestly, it's been ten years, and I simply cannot get myself there. This holiday is mostly just about me feeling sorry for myself because I have no mom, and do you know how much it sucks to have no mom? I hope you do not.

I don't even mean to be overdramatic, but let me please tell you that this is the one holiday that never gets any easier after you lose your mom, possibly because there is a big media push for you to "celebrate your mom" that starts about a month before Mother's Day and includes multiple daily emails from all sorts of helpful companies, and even Facebook is in on it now, recommending people for me to celebrate who are NOT MY MOTHER. Fantastic. Yes, Facebook, I would like to celebrate a random aunt to take the place of my actual mother. That totally makes up for it.

Oh, also, yesterday-- another opportunity for extreme awkwardness and mortification.

Grocery store clerk: "Have you gotten your Mother's Day flowers and card for your mom already?"

Me: "Um...my mom is deceased, so no. But thanks!"

Anyhow, if you have a mother, please buy her some flowers, because I promise you, when the day comes that you no longer have her around to celebrate, it will make you ache inside and you'll want to stay away from the internet all day. Which is what I am doing right now.

So, have a good day, all you moms out there. I am going to keep my sad face out of your way so you can enjoy yourselves.

I KNOW! I AM SUCH A DOWNER! Look away, people. Nothing to see here.

How to Get On Shark Tank: a Semi-Serious Guide

Lori Culwell — Sat, 11 May 2013 19:25:14 +0000

So, I’m sure you can imagine that Stephan and I are a little obsessed with the show Shark Tank, because we are just that kind of ambitious entrepreneur-type people, and also, we like to admire the products that are truly innovative, and mock the ones that are just plain dumb. I’ve found that we say the same things so often while watching this show, I decided to write them down into a semi-serious guide for people who are thinking of trying to get on it.

If you have an awesome product and you feel like you’re ready to face the sharks, here is the casting information. http://abc.go.com/shows/shark-tank/casting However, I would STRONGLY recommend that you at least skim the following guide, lest you be eaten by the sharks in a feeding frenzy because you went on there with a product idea but no sales. DON’T GO ON SHARK TANK WITH NO SALES, dudes.

Here is the kind of entrepreneur who usually gets a deal on Shark Tank:

Joe Business has a good idea. He does a proof of concept, sells a decent amount of product (say, $10,000 worth of product per month for six months). He has a decent margin (meaning, he makes his product for $1 and sell it for $7). He has no debt on the company, his operations are in order, he has more than one product (or at leaset ideas for other products), and so on. Basically, Joe Business has set up and tested a structure, and now all he needs is, say, an infusion of cash to lower his margins even more, or to partner with one of the sharks for distribution and industry contact purposes. That is to say, they already have their sh%t together, and bringing in one or more of the sharks is going to be a slam dunk and a win for all concerned. What’s even better is if you already have $1 million or more in sales, meaning that you are already totally kicking ass with your business structure. If you added in the factor of one of the sharks with their money and connections, you would have exponential growth and success, and in fact, this is what happens.

Also, it is very helpful if you do not over-value your company, because this pisses the sharks off and makes them look for ways to not help you.

If you are this “Joe Business” type, please do go over to http://abc.go.com/shows/shark-tank/casting and apply. That is a great show and it is totally inspirational to watch the American Dream come to life like that. Some of the Shark Tank success stories can be found right here, in case you’re curious:

Buggy Beds (bedbug early detection and control system—freaking genius! http://www.buggybeds.com)

Simple Sugars—this girl is 18 years old and has her own beauty products company. Do you feel like a slacker? I do. http://simplesugars.myshopify.com

Chord Buddy: Nifty gadget that goes on your guitar and helps you learn to play in steps. What’s cool about this is that you can play actual songs on your very first try (I was so impressed with this, I actually bought one!)

And so on. As you can see, these people were already organized and had successful businesses, and partnering with one or more of the sharks made them more successful. This is the kind of thing that investors like to do.

Everyone who gets a deal on Shark Tank has one or more of the qualities listed in the above scenario, but really, success stories come in all shapes and sizes, which of course is what makes America great and makes Shark Tank hilarious. With that in mind, I’m going to just go over some of the things that will probably cause you NOT to get a deal, so you can plan accordingly.

Here are some “red flags,” or things that will make the sharks become sharky and possibly eat you.

1. You are WAY overvaluing your company. Bear in mind that if you come in saying “I want 500,000 for 20% equity in my company,” you have just placed a valuation on that company of $10 million. Each and every one of the sharks knows how to do math, and now you are going to be on the hot seat, justifying where you got that number, why you have flagrantly overvalued that much, and also, who do you think you are with your $1,000 worth of sales? Overvaluation is a reflection of your ego, and it is probably the thing that makes the most entrepreneurs leave the tank without a deal.

2. You are thinking of the shark tank like a bank. If you have not made any sales, you can’t really go in asking for $75,000 to “get your distribution costs down.” You are essentially asking for a bank loan, when Shark Tank is more about equity partnerships. No one is going to loan you money for a concept that has not been proven. One indicator of this is if you’re about to say “The X industry is a multi-billion dollar industry,” which basically indicates that there is a market for what you’re making, but you haven’t participated in it yet.

3. You want the sharks to perform a miracle and bring your product back from the dead. This happens once every couple of episodes—a person comes on, their product or company has hit a wall for whatever reason (like they got screwed by a business partner, got a big order they couldn't fill, or mis-managed their money the first time around). These are people that have thrown up their hands and want the sharks to perform some kind of miracle. The key indicator of this is: “I’ve had X amount of sales over the past 8 years,” 8 years being the red flag part of the statement. No one measures their sales in years, and if you are, that means you’re trying to inflate your number because your last year has not been that impressive. This is a “blood in the water” moment. The sharks will make you tell the truth, people! Don’t hide things from them!

4. You are in some kind of trouble (like legal or financial), and you want the sharks to bail you out. This is kind of like # 3, but the indicator is a little different. For this one, you can tell there is a # 4 coming when the person in question has, for instance, $1 million worth of sales per year, but of that, they are only making $10,000. This is a fishy situation that makes the sharks go “Where is all that money going?” You will then have to respond with the truth, which is that you are $800,000 in the hole over some manufacturing equipment that you absolutely had to have, or you got into some legal trouble with your patent and now you have some huge debt to pay off. Daymond John is the shark who is most likely to be “out” right after you say this, because he does not like to take on other people’s problems.

5. This one is almost universally true: the one thing that seems to bug all the sharks equally is when entrepreneurs start paying themselves a “back salary” for all the years they worked on the product or business before it actually took off. That’s not to say they don’t want you to pay yourself. It actually is better if your business is profitable AND you’re taking a salary. The thing they hate is when your business is not as profitable as it could be because you are paying yourself back for the eight years of trial and error before you hit upon a success. Just my opinion, but it seems like they feel like this is you cannibalizing your own company just as it is becoming profitable, plus they don’t seem to like it when you are valuing your time but not theirs.

6. You are weird, and why would the sharks want to start up an ongoing business relationship with a person who is weird and possibly flaky? I’m looking at you, freaker with a lower-case f, Vermont guy who wears only tie-die, or single-serving wine glass guy. You have to be together for the sharks to want to work with you!

Generally speaking, if one of the sharks makes you an offer for a distribution or licensing deal, YOU SHOULD TAKE THAT DEAL, even if the upfront money isn’t great. You cannot put a value on that kind of access, and that is why you went on the Shark Tank in the first place, so don’t get all precious and try to nickel-and-dime with some weird counter-offer that is going to make them mad. DO NOT TURN DOWN A DISTRUBTION DEAL, especially with Mark Cuban, Daymond John, or Lori Grenier.

Also, generally speaking, Kevin O'Leary (Mr. Wonderful) is probably the shark you want to make a deal with the least. He performs more of a straight-up venture capital role, and usually makes deals that involve him getting a share of everything you sale, either until he gets his investment back or in perpetuity, and who knows if you can ever get that guy on the phone if you need advice (or if you would even want to). His deals almost always seem like you could do better if you just want to a bank, in my opinion.

So, do you have an awesome product, and can you confidently say that you’re not going to do any of the 6 things I’ve outlined above that will make the sharks not like you? Then by all means, go on over to http://abc.go.com/shows/shark-tank/casting . We will be watching for you!